I ate a piece of bread… A regular, non-organic, very gluten-filled piece of sourdough toast from the center of the dinner table. To state the obvious: I didn’t die. Mild reaction was had, I moved on & drove home in one piece; stomach aches & esophagus inflammation a distant fear ringing in my memory banks.
Not long after, I enjoyed my first burger in over 6 years. Mind you, it was indeed organic, free-range & grass fed, but red meat none-the-less. To summarize perhaps the not-so-obvious; it was delicious. Every bite was enjoyed & savored.
Welcome to No Man’s Land. A place I find myself strolling alone; an observer only to the dramatically involved opposing sides. Unlike the cluttered divider of collateral damages of artillery shells & other fall-out normally reserved for war-zones, my strip of land is barren: a desert matrix of infinite choices much like invisible drawers that reveal themselves only when requested. My complacent & peaceful exterior, kicking up but tufts into dust devils, as I scuff along, is more than skin deep. The awareness penetrates the heart & yet that primal fear is still present, debatably an engrained genetic code essential to survival.
As I plod along, I can choose either side, at any moment, at any time. My choices aren’t always so impactful that they effect my tomorrow. I can choose that delectable piece of meat today & not decide on the same for 1,000 tomorrows. Some decisions create ripples that manifest waves which eventually shift the entire landscape I will walk in the future.
Last month, I took a journey to find my roots. It was my beginnings I found, for better or worse. The raging opponents’ faces are clear to me now: they are my past & my future. Except, when I squint my eyes against the arid wasteland, I can see that there are some of those in red, on the blue side & some of those in blue: mixed in with the red side. If I raise my hand above my eyes & block out the sun, it even appears that there are individuals that are painted in both colors!
Is my goal to separate them out eventually: ensure that there is a defined sea of red & a homogenous ocean of blue? Are they really the past & future? Or are they road A & road B? If I change the way I look; do they shift to something completely unknown to me now? Have I cured my food intolerances? Does the present & current awareness of choices change the drawers of the past; those that have now disappeared without a trace except for a foggy memory & a journal entry that is open to infinite interpretations? Have I always been here in No Man’s Land?
I don’t feel alone nor conflicted. Neither side pulls me in. I’m at peace with where I stand: a hamburger today, a smoothie tomorrow. A participant yesterday, a spectator today. Pulling numerous drawers for months & none for weeks following. A child of a foreign land & a strong woman of an Earth that is chosen. I am me. And I’m glad to finally get to know me without so many walls obstructing my view.
Good morning world! Mmmm… Bread 😉
It’s been a long time Know Krumbs Ohana…
I’ve been up to trying new foods & ways of healing, challenging myself professionally & personally (always!) journeying to the place I was born to see it from a fresh perspective & vacationing to new lands with a powerful presence… Now I’m moving to a place I’ve never lived before (still on O’ahu though!). How exciting & scary all at once! How about you? What fears have you faced recently? Any new changes you wish to share? I would love to hear about you all! Look forward to hearing from you. Until then: Happy Summer 🙂