Where do I even begin?
The 50 miles of barefoot hiking & camping in Kalalau seems like lifetimes past, but my memory reminds me that it was only in August; a mere 4 months ago…
The only way I can “easily” sum up the transition that I’ve taken on since then is to say that I just went through the most profound piece of my healing to date: the emotional journey. And what an emotionally crazy ride it has been… Every day I should have been writing down exactly what was happening, for it all happened so fast, so synchronistically, that I wish to not compartmentalize the entire experience in the future. In the same breath, I find myself knowing that I can never convey in words what all changed short of stitching bold letters across my chest that state “I survived me.”
Perhaps a purple cape with gold lettering is in order… Ha! At any rate, I’m not trying to be vague here about what transpired in the last breaths of 2013, I simply know that the few folks that I’ve been able to catch up with recently SEE it in me without my having to say a word. When I am able to offer a sliver of the juicy details, they’re in awe: inspired, shocked, amazed & unable to express much within the English language back to me. One of my favorite people likely reflected it back to me best with the simple response, “Word…”
I’ve been away from the world & seeking the light within. This spiritual & emotional feat has been nothing short of magnificent & mind-blowing, maybe like the first time one sees a whale up close, or a volcano blow it’s top. It’s been monumental… The path I whole-heartedly embraced kept me from my passions of hiking, photography, blogging, baking & seeing the loved ones I cherish. The emails & phone calls, texts & other forms of communication flowed during the holidays, for folks knew I was experiencing hard times of solitude, if only because I was missing my grandmother. They missed my hand-made & signed cards, my chipper baked good deliveries & most of all: they missed sharing time & space with me, even if it were across the seas that separated us.
I missed me too… In hind site, I can only be grateful that I am seeing the 20/20 clarity of where I allowed myself to be for so long. There is no room for regret or to be appalled, for the lessons I earned are beyond priceless, much like how taking care of Mom with Alzheimers for 5+ years & taking a stand on my own health & perceived death bed in 2009-2010 got me to the understanding I’m at so early in life. It was difficult but rewarding to funnel all of my energy into what had to be done…
Now, it’s time to see the world through unfiltered eyes; an authentic & genuine self that has never existed before has been manifested, through discipline, integrity, clarity & most of all: love & support from myself & the people around me. Facing my deepest fears, insecurities & vulnerabilities leaves me nearly speechless & meditating with a sense of gratitude never perceived before.
Some of what I did is not “public friendly” but I am more than happy to share with you all individually what I did, what others did & the entire challenging journey that was, as cliche as it sounds, the enlightenment of Laycie Love.
Until then, see the world through one of the first passions I am reconnecting with: photography…
Mai Iloko Mai,